Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow walked in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't and the old bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told the driver to notify the owners.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
What the hell happened to you.? asked Hillary.
Well, the driver replied.
The farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me.
My God, What did you tell them?? asked Hillary.
The driver replied, I just stepped inside and said, I'm Hillary Clintons driver and I've just killed the old cow.
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eye's as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
Daddy, what are those spiders doing.? she asked.
They are mating, her father replied.
What do you call the spider on top? she asked.
Thats a Daddy Long Legs, her father answered.
So, the other one is a Mommy Long Legs? the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied. No dear, Both of them are Daddy Long Legs.
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped the spiders flat, saying.
Well, were not having any of that Brokeback Mountain Shit in our garden.

YOUR FUNERAL, MY TRIAL.